My past
Failure pulls at me
Sharply, and with absolute force:
It is the goad at my heel
The bit in my mouth
I clench and gnash
My jaw, aching, swollen and mangled
I'm held in place, paralyzed
Whilst a tidal wave advances at my back.
Judgement holds my tongue.
I remember all the times before
The passion of the new, quickly met
By the heartache of
Defeat
I cannot summon a contradiction
To testify in my defense
The sins of my fathers, for which
I am held to account.
We have always dreamed and failed
Seen far and held in squalor
Envisioned the thrones of kings
Only to be left alone,
Facing our regret.
Having despised the life we were given
Uncompromising, distant and without hope,
Or too much of it.
At the first spark of intention
Your flame envelops my becoming.;
I am, as I always was.
I will, for we always do.
You would comfort me with wise words
Of precaution:
Did I not keep you from the inevitable angst of loss?
You cajole.
Did I not keep you from forgetting your true self?
You kept me.
And so I am held.
Victim to myself
I cannot lose what i do not risk
Nor can I gain.
Ah, Sophia
Turn your head from my capricious imaginings
Cover your eyes, if you must
As I wander, unarmed into the
Unknowable
But do not stray far from my side
I will need you before the night is over.
I must be foolish now,
Leap into the absurd
I will most assuredly fail
I will lie humiliated before all
I will beg the hands of a hundred starving children
To raise me from my sinking bower.
If death is sure
Why not partake from the rush of youth
Glittering and sparkling in the new sun.
