Thursday, November 20, 2008

Oy, My Aching Back!

I'm not in my 20's anymore.

I threw my damn back out for the first time IN MY LIFE! It was a like a train hit me from behind and knocked the wind right out of me. I tried to breathe - piercing agony. I tried to move and then the real panic set in.

I cannot bend, sit, turn, skip, pillow-fight, touch my toes, do the splits (ok - I couldn't do that before), raise my hand (I know, you are all shocked and wish for just one day in class with me when such would be the case), or clean (a unexpected perk); lifting anything heavier than a sheet of paper is out of the question.

I downed more Aleve than I care to count and have ransacked my medicine cupboard for expired muscle relaxants. I am nestled into a heating pad and am told to attempt stretching, which sounds as appealing as a turn on the rack.

How did this tragedy befall me, you ask? Well, I... uh, was hitting the slopes too hard in the early season. Yeah, that's it. I mean, no... I was spending arduous hours pruning back my garden for the winter slumber. Yeah, that's the ticket. Actually, I was lifting a helpless child out of a ditch, a starving Sudanese child who I then adopted, but then had to relinquish custody of to her real parents whom I aided in retrieving visas and now reside in Seattle and work at Microsoft and... renamed the child after me and, yeah, that's what happened. That's how I threw out my back.

5 comments:

mme. bookling said...

knowing you as i do, it was either:
1. sex
2. the third movie you watched yesterday.

love,
the sassy one

Benjamin said...

So what does one do then? The rebel (me) would obviously do something very childish, like drink an entire bottle in one sitting in my car breaking the top to get at the innards or go for a run in a torrential downpour. What does the person do who creates her own way?

-B. said...

lifting shirts over my head often make me throw my back out... wait, I am still in my 20's... I have yet to experience your aged joy. bwahahah.

jenae said...

oh man, jess, that's terrible. i hope you are able to rest well and recover. and i'll hope for some of those expired muscle relaxants to show up....

Jessica Marie said...

the one who makes her own way calls her mom for tea and sympathy, arranges to be picked up so she doesn't miss her uncle's hospital appointment, then calls in an emergency massage.

and as for you, my young, inexperienced, adolescent, unseasoned, sophomoric sister - nice zing, that was really funny! you'll learn yet!