Thursday, June 12, 2014

10JUNE14.15:11

billboards with photographs of people living lives that don't exist
set in staged rooms by crews of people you never see
are specters, ghosts
there's nothing real about them
ive no human connection to them
and they could be dead
perpetually living
but theyre not living truth
theyre not living anything real
theyre selling something
but theyre ghosts
which mean people who covet the lives falsified on these bilboards
would rather be dead

which means everyones afraid of their own life
somehow detached
theyd rather have their existence affirmed by what they're supposed
to be living
and wanting
and made happy by
and buying
to justify their existence
to nullify the question
to dull the pain
theyre walking around barely fitting in o
somebody elses
life that they want
some celebrity
some picture of happiness
some escape from the angst

feeling less individual on purpose
escaping the very truth of their existence
that they are in fact unique
in order to blur and blend and disappear
so that they can feel more vital
i mean it's fucking tragic
like the woman walking past me now
in pants she never shouldve purchased
because some fucking woman told her that they made her look pretty
when it was just a pretty woman wearing ugly pants
and an ugly woman wearing ugly pants is

tragic and then there are the individuals
that express themselves with oddity
clustered together with other oddities
maybe they feel a little less alone
because they know how lonely they are
they dont have to lie to themselves all day
i don't know

maybe im just feeling dark and cynical because we're fighting again
because were believing something about each other that may or may not be true
or were doubting something about each other that may or may not be true

he believes that i intentionally emasculate him
and i believe he intentionally controls me
when in reality
my biggest fear is being controlled
and apparently his biggest fear is being emasculated
so we protect it
we guard it from the people that love us
that have the deepest most intimate access
to our vulnerability and our fear
and the price of living that near to another person
is that you blame them
for the fears youve been carrying around with you your whole life
and you cough up all this evidence
all these
minute
hour
day
month
year
decade
proofs
that we use the fears of the ones we love
to protect the fears that most haunt us
in our own souls
and i think thats the reason for the roller coaster
that were up and down all the time
because its bliss living so near another human
when you can trust that human
when you can trust yourself
and your boundaries
and your reasons
and your goals
and your hopes

and we made a beautiful child
and shes going to inherit all of our bullshit
and maybe do it a little better
and thats all we get to wish for her
and tell ourselves that in all our failings and
all the moments we let slide by
all the plans we make that fail
all the hiding of contempt that she sees anyway
all the intention
all the pressure
all the pride
you just hope you love her well enough
to endure it
to grow beyond it
to evolve
to make something more of our genetic encoding
our predetermined-ness and
so i go to work
and im thankful
that i don't want
what theyre selling

1 comment:

Alison Billroth-MacLurg said...

Powerfully truthful. Thank you!